by Mona Awad
My husband keeps having these dreams where I’m trying to kill him. Like last night, he had one where it’s his birthday and I give him a tarantula baby, and when he doesn’t love it, I drag him by the hair through this hole in our bedroom wall which turns out to be a portal to hell. Satan, who is my lover and a dead-ringer for Alex Trebek, is standing there beside a table full of forceps, gags and multi-tailed whips, awaiting my instructions. I order Satan/Alex to have his way with my husband and while he does this, I sit there looking bored but hot in this leather outfit full of holes.
My husband says the weirdest part of the dream, for him, was that I had short blond hair like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby and my eyebrows were pointier than usual.
“Weird huh?” he says. Then he goes back to eating his asteroid cereal, which I just poured for him into his favorite Pier 1 bowl.
For a while, I watch the asteroids hiss, turning the milk a preternatural blue.
“Yeah, weird,” I say.
"Uh oh", he says. "You're pissed."