Notes on a First Date
By Roxane Gay

1. Any criticism herein is solely constructive in nature.

2. The text message you sent me, 11 minutes after our date ended, was charming.

3. It was also a little scary. I don't know you like that.

4. I'm concerned that you asked for my AIM, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter identities. There should be some mystery in courtship

5. My mom always told me that if a boy honked his horn instead of coming to the door, he wasn't worth my time. Just as an FYI. Because you honked your horn.

6. I'm just saying…

7. The text message you sent me, 42 minutes after our date ended, was charming.

8. It was also a little scary. I didn't realize you were that flexible.

9. I hate it when someone orders for me. The reason I didn't eat much is because you ordered moo shu pork and I'm Jewish which I'm pretty sure you knew given that you asked me, on the way to the restaurant, if I was religious, I said I'm a mildly observant Jew, and you said "that's cool."

10. I thought it was somewhat awkward that we went on a date at a restaurant your parents own. I generally prefer to wait a few weeks before meeting a guy's family.

11. Your mother was very nice. I think your father put something in my drink.

12. There was a strange substance on the floor of the passenger seat of your car. You may want to look into that.

13. Does it make me anti-feminist because I resent that you asked me to get drinks and popcorn while you went to get seats at the movies?

14. The text message you sent me 96 minutes after our date ended, was charming.

15. It was also a little scary. I won't get married until my gay brother can get married, legally, in Texas.

16. I was very hungry and that's why I got snippy when you tried to take some of my popcorn. I also don't know where your hands have been. Nonetheless, I apologize for my behavior and the way I abruptly moved the popcorn out of your reach and then moved a few seats away.

17. I also apologize for telling you to shut up as you shared all the trivia you know about the movie's stars. I simply prefer to hear the dialogue rather than to read lips when I'm at the movies.

18. I am not a prude. I have even been known to have sex on the first date. However, given that I was hungry, confused about the movie we had just seen and somewhat generally perturbed by the substance on your car floor that was also probably on my very nice shoes, I find that your anger, when I offered you my cheek instead of my lips, was unjustified.

19. What I meant, when I told you I'd think about it, after you asked me for a second date, is no, but thanks for asking.

20. The text message you sent me 5 hours and 31 minutes after our date was terrifying. Please tell me it was a joke. I have forwarded the message to five friends in case I go missing. Just as an FYI.

21. I think I love you.

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Roxane Gay's work appears or is forthcoming in Word Riot, decomP, DOGZPLOT, The Northville Review, Necessary Fiction, and many others. She is the Associate Editor of PANK.

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