What is Cloverfield?
(excerpts from a 700-page film review-in-progress)
By Alexander Rubens

The name

Of course, calling the creature "Cloverfield" is like calling the alien in Alien "Alien," the shark in Jaws "Jaws"—the creature in Frankenstein Frankenstein. Cloverfield is the name of the picture, folks—yet the distinction seems to bleed (like ink under a drop of water?), and before you know it truth and accuracy 've 'come the quaint, silly pre'cupations of a loathesome rarefied elite, élite, and reality itself begins to warp, in ways at once superficial and devastating; the absurd seeps in: "This is the part where Manhattan breaks up with Mariel Hemingway!" "This is the part where Superbad gets blood on his pants!" Is nothing sacred? Are we twelve years old? Must we cede all to mindlessness, to chaos?

No! No!

Say with me—"No"!

#

What is Cloverfield?

Cloverfield is afraid—simply afraid. Not simply: enormously. If you had a panic attack in a city built for inchworms, you'd break a few windows, too.

Cloverfield lives in a boombox/carrying case belonging to DJ Lance Rock; alone, now, and with no way of finding his way back to his indie/hipster/hip-hop home, a lonely Cloverfield wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-stops his way through the historic streets of historic Manhattan, struggling in vain to "Think happy thoughts / Happy thoughts" as once instructed by friendly talking stalagmites; at this rate, Cloverfield will never get to sleep.

Like so many New Yorkers today, Cloverfield has bedbugs. Will there come a time when no residence is free of these bloodthirsty animals? Will even the $35 million homes be infested? Will all New Yorkers, regardless of income, eventually bleed out of their eyeballs and finally explode behind a shower curtain? Experts say yes.

The real question, then, isn't why Cloverfield is angry—it's why aren't you!

Death : Cloverfield :: Yahweh : the cat.

In conclusion, Cloverfield is your father at eighteen months. Run!

#

Aren't we all, in some sense, Cloverfield?

No.

#

Again with the name.

This is the part where Twelve Monkeys yanks out his molars!

This is the part where Breathless steals the car!

This is the part where Don't Look Back sings "Mr. Tambourine Man"!

This is the part where Full Metal Jacket gets his hair cut!

This is the part where Hard Day's Night tries to take his own picture!

This is the part where Waking Life figures out he's dreaming!

This is the part where Festen accuses his dad of having molested him!

This is the part where Discreet Charm hides under the table!

This is the part where Paul's Case jumps in front of the train!

#

What is Cloverfield?

Why should I wish to see Cloverfield better than this day?

I see something of Cloverfield each hour of the twenty-four, and each moment then,

In the faces of men and women I see Cloverfield, and in my own face in the glass;

I find letters from Cloverfield dropped in the street, and every one is signed by Cloverfield's name,

And I leave them where they are, for I know that others will punctually come forever and ever,

And I know, too, that the letters will bite me and then my eyes will bleed and I will explode.

——

Alexander Rubens is America's sweetheart. He enjoys fiction, rock'n'roll, pizza-pie, and the oppression of the weak by the strong. You can read his ravings at alt85.com and his future in the entrails of this osprey. The mustache is not ironic.

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