Become a More Marketable You
By Dan Piepenbring

Network with strangers.
If you want to get ahead out there, you've got to put the "rover" in "extrovert." Approach your target in a public area, like the street or the bathhouse. Use a cordial but direct salutation: "Hello, I'd enjoy connecting with you now," or, "Hi there, how do you feel about connectivity?" When the conversation's over, get back home and Facebook 'em, fast!

Live in a city.
At present, most of the world's human beings live in cities, and this is no time to disturb the global order! When researching potential residences, ask yourself: Can potatoes grow in this climate? Would my signature, full-lipped pout translate well in photographs here? Will my landlord require payment in American dollars, or might he deign to accept my Icelandic krónas? Beware of locations that advertise themselves as cities but are in fact rural municipalities. (E.g.: Emblem, WY; Bean's Purchase, NH; Detroit.) These are teeming with hustlers and subsistence farmers who only want you for your nutrients.

If you land a job interview, wear shoes.
Trust me, you won't want to learn this one the hard way.

Get a fake ID.
Even though you're old enough to drink, there will be plenty of nights when you want desperately to be someone else. When you choose "the new you," skew older. Because the elderly die with such frequency, their IDs are widely available and inexpensive. You'll reap the benefits, too: cannabis has been legalized in most major American cities, but the average legal smoking age is seventy-three.

Eat.
Easy to forget, but essential. No one hires somebody who answers every question with, "Please Mr. Schwarzkopf feed me now please food Mr. Schwarzkopf," especially if her name is Ms. Druthers. No one hires somebody always pilfering saltines from her pantry and cramming them down his gullet in the bathroom as the toilet flushes. (If you absolutely must do this, no crumbs on the seat – dead giveaway!)

Don't forget your diploma.
You're probably expecting some wisecrack about how you can burn it for warmth or pawn it for heroin money. That might be funny, but it's also totally foolish! You'll want to frame your degree and hang it on your wall. That way, when you're alone and feeling down, you can stare at it and wonder why you spent all that time and money procuring it only to face limitless derision by the powerful and influential, and how someone so unemployable and untalented managed to graduate at all, and whatever became of your once boundless optimism, and if things ever stand any chance of improving or if your best days are indelibly behind you.

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Dan Piepenbring's writing has appeared or is forthcoming in The Onion A.V. Club, Identity Theory, The Pinch, and Six Little Things.

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